notes on my shackled spine

blacksil @ 2009-12-05T02:38:00

2009-12-04T18:38:34Z

I need some time apart
To jump start my heart

I'm not driven by anything

I'm waiting for things to fall into place. No fighting. No trying. None left to pursue.
Gracefully responding to this epic silence.
I shall be waiting

for anything to happen.
I'm going to be strong.
I'm trying for absolute.
and I'm not going to call.
I want to feel human. to feel my gender.

blacksil @ 2009-12-05T02:12:00

2009-12-04T18:12:46Z

photography.Margareth.Model.Kamila.Makeup/hair.Laea Hidayah

photography.Leon Tan.Model.Kamila.Makeup/Hair.Laea Hidayah

Play not with chances and dice

2009-12-04T00:00:08Z

Tattler has a Flicker. I've come to realise that.

Another thing I've come to realise is that I've found my lack of sleep extraordinary this past month. I have been slogging my bod off through November with certain consequences. I can't smell the flowers or find anytime to for that matter ( a terribly wilted Tiger Lily sits somewhere in this clutter). I have been hard of hearing because me doctor says I am congested. In literal.

Was in a road accident last Sunday. Meant to chart it down but hadn't had the time to get over my grievances. I'm alive, so I reckon that to still be exciting. I was in the midst of travelling with some photographers for a Bridal shoot. Speaking of which, I've decided to accept an offer and will be affiliated to a newly established photography company called Perfect Moment. Everything is new, freelanced and needing of set up and I'm fine with that. Speaking for myself, I'm still an amateur at heart. So I'm easy on expectations. They are taking part in a Bridal show at Expo in January, thus we are rushing on some Bridal pics.

Note to self : coping stress with Red Marls causes detrimental effects to health.

Had a Tattler meeting, a lot of great news ahead. We will be moving on to Flip page format ( like flipping a mag online ) in 2010. We will be looking for new writers and designer soon. We are still at the stage of being passion-driven. I'm the newly appointed Beauty Editor .. or shall we quote> everything related beauty is under you <unquote. Though I know I'm the weakest in writing.

I am writing points to which I feel will seem to show that I might perhaps be coping better than I had expected in midst of this ( what ever I am going through ) Still considering if this is it, or perhaps there will be a redbull crash later on.

Having December Denied From Me

2009-11-28T21:03:58Z

Everyday. Everyday as I get closer to December. I get this inch of misery and depressed notions. This inch, ignored on some days, builds up to just a little more than just inches. more than just a little piece of sadness quenched by work, tire and sleep.

Having promised intentions denied from me, hurts terribly more than I had believed it to be. And its terrible. The feeling is just indescribably terrible that it amounts to fluctuations of feelings for the day. I thought, I really did thought that by going out with you and spending time with you could make me forget and make me palpable to forgiving. But it doesn't. It just doesn't. I think I was really pained by your actions. I wished that knowing it has already happened and it had been quite some time ago since the start of these series of events would make it easier to forgive and get over. But it hasn't. I still remember every detail, every point of hurt and disappointment. I feel disgusting that I'm not as patient, as forgiving and humble as I had wanted to be. And I do not use the term 'disgusting' often.

I cleaned a small corner of my room today. I found a notebook with a cover about travelling to Paris, solely used for the planning and notes on the trip to Krabi. How I used to beg for you to not just not speak of any promises that you won't keep. 3 times. You did it to me 3 times. And that was only about this elusive 'holiday'. I read it. It was filled with numbers, tour agencies contacts, numerical figures, hotel names, hotel numbers, emails, day to day planning and schedule, airline information, flight number, flight timing. I remember scouring through a hundred sites of everything. Scouring through newspapers with so much.. glee, laughter, hopes, intentions and dreamy dazing.

If this scene was pictorial. I imagine myself as a donkey with a hanging, dusty and dirty carrot left right in front of me but never within reach. I imagine myself as a little girl with 2 ponytails and you stomping on my favourite doll. If I was gutsy enough to be crude and too unforgiving, I imagine myself just saying ' fuck you '. But I'm not. I'm just pained and sad.

I wish. I really do wish with the whole of my heart contents. That you be out with your friends and go to as many getaways as you can possibly fit in your schedule. That you meet your friends everyday, every fucking day. So that when If i return to you, you can touch on some value meter indicating friend exposure and feel that the bar is fully filled. So you won't just won't keep stomping my heart wearing those shoes. Because fuck you. for making my friends hate me, for making your friends be wronged by me, and me be wronged by your unknowing friends, for making people think that you are perfect and that if there is anything wrong it has to be me, for making me be misunderstood, for making me seem ungrateful and impatient. fuck you. I don't need a holiday. I just need the gift of your words.

and even if your words might not mean shit right now because you are so so afraid of really losing me. Did it really had to end up this way before you mean what you say. Did it?

Fucking notebook. Fucking 'friends'

blacksil @ 2009-11-29T01:55:00

2009-11-28T17:55:57Z

The lights came on fast
Lost in motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
but you knew all along
You laugh the light
I sing the songs
to watch you numb

I saw you there
you were on your way
you held the rain
and for the first time
heaven seemed insane
cause heaven is to blame
for taking you away

do you know the way that I can?
do you know the way that I can't lose?
do you know the things that I can?
do you know the things that I can do?

where is your heart? where is your heart gone to?
tear me apart
tear me apart from you
you laugh the light I cry the wound
in gray afternoons

I saw you there

You were on your way
You held the rain
And for the first time
Heaven seemed insane
Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away

The lights came to pass
Dead opera motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
In nitrous overcast

Do you know the way that I can?
Do you know the way that I can't choose?
Do you know the things that I can?
Do you know the things that I can't lose?

Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

because im stupid

2009-11-24T11:55:53Z

this gift of words, to heart. to heart.

2009-11-21T12:39:22Z

this is how it feels like

2009-11-17T16:13:51Z

blacksil @ 2009-11-17T22:53:00

2009-11-17T14:53:47Z

The last 3 weeks, I've been working almost everyday.Finally, I have succumbed under the exhaustion and tire from having to think, argue and wash my brains every few days. The migraine sickness has morphed into flu.

Thank you Feng Ling

Female photographers

2009-11-17T13:41:20Z

I'm hooked. On working with female photographers. They are sooooooo organised. So these are some of the pics from a paid shoot I did with Margareth. I worked on the template she gave for the makeup and I really enjoyed the whole thing..

in case anyone forgets how I look like

This is a preview of another shoot I did with Stephanie Goh.

behind the scene

blacksil @ 2009-11-08T01:20:00

2009-11-07T17:22:17Z

blacksil @ 2009-11-03T13:36:00

2009-11-03T06:06:05Z

Being single, events that challenges your emotional tranquil pops up like mushrooms. And there is always that big fat blue and purple Cheshire cat looking at you, representing the vagaries of human character.

giving me a reason to stay.

2009-10-31T15:43:09Z

As soon as you sound like him,
give me a call.

blacksil @ 2009-10-26T18:57:00

2009-10-26T10:58:45Z

Sometimes the things I do to myself. It makes me feel like I should kill myself sooner rather than later.

Raoul with Zoe Tay and Tattlermag

2009-10-24T15:33:40Z

I've never had so much laugh since FML

2009-10-16T12:32:55Z

Pictures and captions brought to you by photoshopdisasters

The best site to laugh together with right now, for me.

"

"shrink to fit "

" Final draft:
As a busy student, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as 3pm. With online banking and ATMs everywhere, it's all up to me.

Original draft:
As a regular LSD user with rubber spikes for arms, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as find the secret meaning behind these hammers of meat. With little spiders and skeletons everywhere, it's all up to the giant talking wasp in the bathroom."

" Either this is the most impossibly long-legged contortionist model in the history of collateral artwork, or there are really two women here cavorting around, all naked and covered in product. Which means it isn't a PsD, but shame on you, Garnier. "

"Memo to Gianfranco Ferre: Has your Art Director ever even seen a naked man?"

"It's a pretty good deal; you get a haircut, a mani-pedi, and an exorcism."

-- this picture superly reminds me of this --->

I like it blunt, bitch

2009-10-15T14:32:07Z

I vowed to myself to cut off my curls when it starts to wriggle loose and irritably incapable of being either scrunched back into shape or styled.

After one year and surviving better than had expected, I snipped the curls off. It was worth my $320 splurge ( wash + blow + cut + pre-perm treatment + perming + Kerastine hair care ) from Reds, because I had it re permed two days after because it wasn't the kind of perm I had wanted. It lasted for a year and Ive seen worst aftermaths of perming , some within 2-6 months after curling. There are few things I splurge in life = Tailored Hari Raya clothes that can cost $200 - $450 each, Annual Nine west heels ( though I hadn't bought one for this year. ), and hair cuts. Simply because I go by years not having any trimming or walking into a salon. So in theory, Ive been saving up for it whaaat.

So in some madness, I chopped of my own hair, sitting on a luggage infront of the mirror. No, it does not represent any of my creative worth. I simply only followed my hair lengths and blunt cut out where the dryness of damaged hair begins. yes. I only made sure that the bottom back length is somewhat balanced lah. So because it was curled, and 150% because for the crazy women from Hair mechanics, my hair is a messy mess of tapered down strands and layered to tip hair. ( 6 months after Reds I followed Lisa for a trim at hair mechanics and i got the simply rude women whom literally scratched my scalp and yanked my head around for 20 mins, turning a trimming session to her feathering down my hair taking 30% off of my newly curled hair from the top of my head. presumely to give me a sexy volume near the jaw. but radically rude, because she hadnt asked first and had wasted my hair lengths and curls. )

so now, i have many many layers of un-uniforms layering by the weird blade or scissors they used.

saving the sob story for last, about the gay bastard.

in my 22 yrs of life, i only met a really nice and good and polite hairdresser at the age of 15, whom did not fill me with 80s stupid 'tips' about hair and wasnt condescending in my lack of knowledge and my wanting of understanding.. i never got to meet her again. Tony and Guy played a cruel joked out of me, one that was painful and shared in laughter between 2 stylist. Reds gave me a " if she comes back again, I prolly should quit as a hair stylist" remark " sarcastic at its best. Hair mechanics shows no respect for the human head. and all the rest just DONT UNDERSTAND THAT I DO NOT WANT A TYPICAL AH LIAN , FLAT FUCK HAIR, OR THINNED TO THE ENDS BUT BOB AND DISTURBING JAPANESE HAIRCUTS. Listen for the love of god, shit listen to " i dont want it short- dont want it too thinned, i want it weighty and blunt " blunt lah babi.

eh bodoh, you think the cute jap girls with terrific hair in the manuals dont go through alot of wax, mousse, hairspray and styling to make the look good? obviously in real life the hair is thinned out crazy . macam sotong you know. Put octopus on your head, there you have a bob aka i am sexy volumed crown and tendrils all around. and if i dont judge you for being cross dressingly gay, dont treat me less than a customer.

Ive never ever called anybody ugly or go out of a salon with lopsided hair till today.

" Sis, who was the hairdresser, which one?"
" I dont know they all look like a bunch of fat ugly bitches to me "

I cut my hair today. had just one tuft that needed to be blended in with a nifty pair of scissors that i dont own. Paid to just have that tuft blended. it was so gross. i came out halfway, politely mind you! and am changing my parting.

dah habis cerite. penat.

your kids are cuter than my kids

2009-10-13T18:34:01Z

I shared my darker thoughts of having children with my boyfriend. I love kids, just so you know. But I am afraid of having postpartum psychosis. Go out, see babies, cute babies. not mine.

Solemn

2009-10-09T19:03:55Z

MP3 died

Ive a shoot on Sunday with Lisa and Chipsmore - yeah. Today was a good week because I succeeded in terrorizing Faizah with my cats. After a good long chat with Ellein, I've decided to take her advice and ignore friends that can be so full of themselves sometimes. Life goes on.

I must be simply satisfied to some degree, but I really am enjoying what I do. like wanting to go to Krabi makes me feel full in the stomach . I've done more than my part - planning the date, finding the best package, going through a hundred web pages, choosing a comfortable budget, choosing the hotel and putting aside the money.

Now all you have to do is plan your schedule and pay. If that much of my efforts can no longer be appreciated and have lost its novelty, then I will save it for someone else. we can chuck holiday plans towards the elusive -in-singapore-honeymoon- later on in our lives.

stop.playing.with.me.hopes

Pop

2009-10-04T18:12:48Z

The series of shots that I've liked so far from Greenpoppies. so.. im deleting Touchup. Hence.. back to having a hard time trying to stop doing free things and charge.. sigh

Article Night

2009-10-03T22:23:46Z

I just finished writing an article " This season's matte looks " and its 6am. I have a shoot at 11.30am and back to work at 4pm till late. I suck at doing my schedule because when I'm free, I'm free as fucking hell and sleep too much, get lethargic and over eat. -seriously - I put days aside for school but never sum up enough courage to go to school. When I do work, I end up rushing to 2 to 3 places is the same day making the day damn itchy long.

Now its October. This year, 2009 has been the fastest and least weighing in memories in my whole entire life. Its like gone by so fast its crazy scary. Is this the symptoms of getting old-er? or maybe its because I had spent the first 6 months unemployed and bed stricken.

On another side of things, all my Sundays for October are booked which I've yet to feel anything about but will abso-fuckingly be nervous about later. Its the 4th of October and I already have 5 shoots booked, I'm not complaining, I'm just scared. I want in, but I'm dead nervous. Especially since now I've been feeling a little uninspired because I'm almost doing the same thing, same looks, similar concepts. Everybody else in the MM is almost doing the same thing, little gets away with 'different' concepts, most thinks being different is being tacky. That said, I wish to do more things with storyline besides kissing or frolicking in the beach.

In the more happy less moody, I'm super looking forward to show my cats to my friends..

( i need dictionary )

2009-10-02T19:07:24Z

I toyed with ACD See 10 photo manager. The program name doesn't really mean anything to me, but just in case you might know what I was playing with.

One of the shots of Laura

This is after I fiddled with it. Secretly my first ever time trying it on face... hah Somehow I really do see a crooked nose ok.

You Found Me

2009-09-28T20:08:09Z

I have finished reading Skin Trade. I have rekindled my love memories with The Fray. Now I'm in eclectic visions of day dream and direction of videos in my own head for the past week.

September is ending and I've staved off from doing any shoots since the 16th. Sheer exhaustion + fasting month + Gloom doom Raya season. I had to turn away more than 5 shoots. Something about carrying my gear and boarding on buses of other people's ideas have made me tiresome and uninspired. I did mention to Richard that MUAs are on the further end as we have to work and create from other peoples concept and we lack in power of directing shoots. I wonder when I'll get to shoot a concept from my brain books and if I'd have any when the opportunity arises.

My Mp3 is on repeat to a particular song and it is dying. After 4 years of holding it in keeps from its previous owner, it has started to die out on me. Which is depressing to say the least since it has been so loyal and been through storms, incredible falls and drownings of Raspberry Frap. It has been with me ever since I learned what a thumbdrive means. I have had failed attempts in returning this device back to my ex boyfriend before, to no avail. Which have just made me realised that for someone addicted to music needing, I've never had my own discman or mp3.

The battery keeps getting super ultimate hot when I try to on the device to no avail. If someone can tell me why that happens, please do. As a thumbdrive, it still functions fine.

----------

Winnie Loo

My 2 picks from the series I did with Winnie and SK at Labrador Park. I found the Wines odd, I found my revelations odder. I just realise that I have not much of shading works and seem to be doing lined looks alot.. unknowingly.

Skin Trade

2009-09-23T16:18:27Z

I finally bought the new addition to Anita Blake series by Laura K Hamilton, Skin Trade. The series has been 10 years and running, so alot of things are bound to change, writing style, design and recently even publishers. The past two books, especially Micah ( because it was just too damn short ) and Blood Noir ( because for a cool tittle the story line wasn't really interesting ) have been big disappointment. But where loyalty goes, I'm still reading her books out of sheer curiosity and need of updating my imaginations.

If you're wondering to pick one up - please go for her first few books from the series like Guilty Pleasures. It leaves a bigger impression and less complicated. Truthfully , I still believe that she really had a really good and fertile idea way before crap Twilight fever or Blood chocolate or any of the lame alike. - I can't pick up Twilight and read it for real, its too tween and superficial. Where sci-fi goes, superficial is too Mars and Pluto for me.

Recently - about 2 years back- they invested in making graphic novels for the first 2 books. Initially it was by... sorry i have forgotten , but now it is produced by Marvel - whom have been bought over by Disney so god knows what shit will fire. So yeah, I didn't even manage to collect the first set of graphic novels for Guilty pleasures alone. But its okay, cause in my mind the flavor is a little different where the made up faces for the characters goes.

So I'm still reading through it now. disappointed a little but with an open mind. Wished she hadn't wrote about another -road trip for Anita. Wished she had written about something closer to home that doesn't consist fo block chapters of round about arguements with indenial Richard which can be exhausting to read and makes you want to bury Richard already had he not been your first few characters that you fell in love. Less Nathaniel, less arguing Richard. More Damian, Requim -- and the list goes on about me talking about things other people won't understand.

blacksil @ 2009-09-19T04:13:00

2009-09-18T20:23:50Z

" Basically he just wants to go out with you but he can't so he messages you that kind of things instead. But I bet he is doing the same thing to some other girl. I hate this kind of guys. "

Golden moments when the love of your life puts a kick ass perspective on things. -a.m.a.z.e.d-

Birthday was good, got a summery dress ( preparing for Krabi ) from greenpoppies's owner as a birthday present, an Ikea hotdog from Nizam, a big box of DAIM chocs from Mr Scruffy, 2 tickets to Inglorious Basterds and a snowhite/cinderella purple mug from work.