notes on my shackled spine

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:22:17 GMT

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:06:05 GMT

Being single, events that challenges your emotional tranquil pops up like mushrooms. And there is always that big fat blue and purple Cheshire cat looking at you, representing the vagaries of human character.

giving me a reason to stay.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:43:09 GMT

As soon as you sound like him,
give me a call.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:58:45 GMT

Sometimes the things I do to myself. It makes me feel like I should kill myself sooner rather than later.

Raoul with Zoe Tay and Tattlermag

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:33:40 GMT

I've never had so much laugh since FML

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:32:55 GMT

Pictures and captions brought to you by photoshopdisasters

The best site to laugh together with right now, for me.

"

"shrink to fit "

" Final draft:
As a busy student, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as 3pm. With online banking and ATMs everywhere, it's all up to me.

Original draft:
As a regular LSD user with rubber spikes for arms, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as find the secret meaning behind these hammers of meat. With little spiders and skeletons everywhere, it's all up to the giant talking wasp in the bathroom."

" Either this is the most impossibly long-legged contortionist model in the history of collateral artwork, or there are really two women here cavorting around, all naked and covered in product. Which means it isn't a PsD, but shame on you, Garnier. "

"Memo to Gianfranco Ferre: Has your Art Director ever even seen a naked man?"

"It's a pretty good deal; you get a haircut, a mani-pedi, and an exorcism."

-- this picture superly reminds me of this --->

I like it blunt, bitch

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:32:07 GMT

I vowed to myself to cut off my curls when it starts to wriggle loose and irritably incapable of being either scrunched back into shape or styled.

After one year and surviving better than had expected, I snipped the curls off. It was worth my $320 splurge ( wash + blow + cut + pre-perm treatment + perming + Kerastine hair care ) from Reds, because I had it re permed two days after because it wasn't the kind of perm I had wanted. It lasted for a year and Ive seen worst aftermaths of perming , some within 2-6 months after curling. There are few things I splurge in life = Tailored Hari Raya clothes that can cost $200 - $450 each, Annual Nine west heels ( though I hadn't bought one for this year. ), and hair cuts. Simply because I go by years not having any trimming or walking into a salon. So in theory, Ive been saving up for it whaaat.

So in some madness, I chopped of my own hair, sitting on a luggage infront of the mirror. No, it does not represent any of my creative worth. I simply only followed my hair lengths and blunt cut out where the dryness of damaged hair begins. yes. I only made sure that the bottom back length is somewhat balanced lah. So because it was curled, and 150% because for the crazy women from Hair mechanics, my hair is a messy mess of tapered down strands and layered to tip hair. ( 6 months after Reds I followed Lisa for a trim at hair mechanics and i got the simply rude women whom literally scratched my scalp and yanked my head around for 20 mins, turning a trimming session to her feathering down my hair taking 30% off of my newly curled hair from the top of my head. presumely to give me a sexy volume near the jaw. but radically rude, because she hadnt asked first and had wasted my hair lengths and curls. )

so now, i have many many layers of un-uniforms layering by the weird blade or scissors they used.

saving the sob story for last, about the gay bastard.

in my 22 yrs of life, i only met a really nice and good and polite hairdresser at the age of 15, whom did not fill me with 80s stupid 'tips' about hair and wasnt condescending in my lack of knowledge and my wanting of understanding.. i never got to meet her again. Tony and Guy played a cruel joked out of me, one that was painful and shared in laughter between 2 stylist. Reds gave me a " if she comes back again, I prolly should quit as a hair stylist" remark " sarcastic at its best. Hair mechanics shows no respect for the human head. and all the rest just DONT UNDERSTAND THAT I DO NOT WANT A TYPICAL AH LIAN , FLAT FUCK HAIR, OR THINNED TO THE ENDS BUT BOB AND DISTURBING JAPANESE HAIRCUTS. Listen for the love of god, shit listen to " i dont want it short- dont want it too thinned, i want it weighty and blunt " blunt lah babi.

eh bodoh, you think the cute jap girls with terrific hair in the manuals dont go through alot of wax, mousse, hairspray and styling to make the look good? obviously in real life the hair is thinned out crazy . macam sotong you know. Put octopus on your head, there you have a bob aka i am sexy volumed crown and tendrils all around. and if i dont judge you for being cross dressingly gay, dont treat me less than a customer.

Ive never ever called anybody ugly or go out of a salon with lopsided hair till today.

" Sis, who was the hairdresser, which one?"
" I dont know they all look like a bunch of fat ugly bitches to me "

I cut my hair today. had just one tuft that needed to be blended in with a nifty pair of scissors that i dont own. Paid to just have that tuft blended. it was so gross. i came out halfway, politely mind you! and am changing my parting.

dah habis cerite. penat.

your kids are cuter than my kids

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:34:01 GMT

I shared my darker thoughts of having children with my boyfriend. I love kids, just so you know. But I am afraid of having postpartum psychosis. Go out, see babies, cute babies. not mine.

Solemn

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:03:55 GMT

MP3 died

Ive a shoot on Sunday with Lisa and Chipsmore - yeah. Today was a good week because I succeeded in terrorizing Faizah with my cats. After a good long chat with Ellein, I've decided to take her advice and ignore friends that can be so full of themselves sometimes. Life goes on.

I must be simply satisfied to some degree, but I really am enjoying what I do. like wanting to go to Krabi makes me feel full in the stomach . I've done more than my part - planning the date, finding the best package, going through a hundred web pages, choosing a comfortable budget, choosing the hotel and putting aside the money.

Now all you have to do is plan your schedule and pay. If that much of my efforts can no longer be appreciated and have lost its novelty, then I will save it for someone else. we can chuck holiday plans towards the elusive -in-singapore-honeymoon- later on in our lives.

stop.playing.with.me.hopes

Pop

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:12:48 GMT

The series of shots that I've liked so far from Greenpoppies. so.. im deleting Touchup. Hence.. back to having a hard time trying to stop doing free things and charge.. sigh

Article Night

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:23:46 GMT

I just finished writing an article " This season's matte looks " and its 6am. I have a shoot at 11.30am and back to work at 4pm till late. I suck at doing my schedule because when I'm free, I'm free as fucking hell and sleep too much, get lethargic and over eat. -seriously - I put days aside for school but never sum up enough courage to go to school. When I do work, I end up rushing to 2 to 3 places is the same day making the day damn itchy long.

Now its October. This year, 2009 has been the fastest and least weighing in memories in my whole entire life. Its like gone by so fast its crazy scary. Is this the symptoms of getting old-er? or maybe its because I had spent the first 6 months unemployed and bed stricken.

On another side of things, all my Sundays for October are booked which I've yet to feel anything about but will abso-fuckingly be nervous about later. Its the 4th of October and I already have 5 shoots booked, I'm not complaining, I'm just scared. I want in, but I'm dead nervous. Especially since now I've been feeling a little uninspired because I'm almost doing the same thing, same looks, similar concepts. Everybody else in the MM is almost doing the same thing, little gets away with 'different' concepts, most thinks being different is being tacky. That said, I wish to do more things with storyline besides kissing or frolicking in the beach.

In the more happy less moody, I'm super looking forward to show my cats to my friends..

( i need dictionary )

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:07:24 GMT

I toyed with ACD See 10 photo manager. The program name doesn't really mean anything to me, but just in case you might know what I was playing with.

One of the shots of Laura

This is after I fiddled with it. Secretly my first ever time trying it on face... hah Somehow I really do see a crooked nose ok.

You Found Me

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:08:09 GMT

I have finished reading Skin Trade. I have rekindled my love memories with The Fray. Now I'm in eclectic visions of day dream and direction of videos in my own head for the past week.

September is ending and I've staved off from doing any shoots since the 16th. Sheer exhaustion + fasting month + Gloom doom Raya season. I had to turn away more than 5 shoots. Something about carrying my gear and boarding on buses of other people's ideas have made me tiresome and uninspired. I did mention to Richard that MUAs are on the further end as we have to work and create from other peoples concept and we lack in power of directing shoots. I wonder when I'll get to shoot a concept from my brain books and if I'd have any when the opportunity arises.

My Mp3 is on repeat to a particular song and it is dying. After 4 years of holding it in keeps from its previous owner, it has started to die out on me. Which is depressing to say the least since it has been so loyal and been through storms, incredible falls and drownings of Raspberry Frap. It has been with me ever since I learned what a thumbdrive means. I have had failed attempts in returning this device back to my ex boyfriend before, to no avail. Which have just made me realised that for someone addicted to music needing, I've never had my own discman or mp3.

The battery keeps getting super ultimate hot when I try to on the device to no avail. If someone can tell me why that happens, please do. As a thumbdrive, it still functions fine.

----------

Winnie Loo

My 2 picks from the series I did with Winnie and SK at Labrador Park. I found the Wines odd, I found my revelations odder. I just realise that I have not much of shading works and seem to be doing lined looks alot.. unknowingly.

Skin Trade

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:18:27 GMT

I finally bought the new addition to Anita Blake series by Laura K Hamilton, Skin Trade. The series has been 10 years and running, so alot of things are bound to change, writing style, design and recently even publishers. The past two books, especially Micah ( because it was just too damn short ) and Blood Noir ( because for a cool tittle the story line wasn't really interesting ) have been big disappointment. But where loyalty goes, I'm still reading her books out of sheer curiosity and need of updating my imaginations.

If you're wondering to pick one up - please go for her first few books from the series like Guilty Pleasures. It leaves a bigger impression and less complicated. Truthfully , I still believe that she really had a really good and fertile idea way before crap Twilight fever or Blood chocolate or any of the lame alike. - I can't pick up Twilight and read it for real, its too tween and superficial. Where sci-fi goes, superficial is too Mars and Pluto for me.

Recently - about 2 years back- they invested in making graphic novels for the first 2 books. Initially it was by... sorry i have forgotten , but now it is produced by Marvel - whom have been bought over by Disney so god knows what shit will fire. So yeah, I didn't even manage to collect the first set of graphic novels for Guilty pleasures alone. But its okay, cause in my mind the flavor is a little different where the made up faces for the characters goes.

So I'm still reading through it now. disappointed a little but with an open mind. Wished she hadn't wrote about another -road trip for Anita. Wished she had written about something closer to home that doesn't consist fo block chapters of round about arguements with indenial Richard which can be exhausting to read and makes you want to bury Richard already had he not been your first few characters that you fell in love. Less Nathaniel, less arguing Richard. More Damian, Requim -- and the list goes on about me talking about things other people won't understand.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:23:50 GMT

" Basically he just wants to go out with you but he can't so he messages you that kind of things instead. But I bet he is doing the same thing to some other girl. I hate this kind of guys. "

Golden moments when the love of your life puts a kick ass perspective on things. -a.m.a.z.e.d-

Birthday was good, got a summery dress ( preparing for Krabi ) from greenpoppies's owner as a birthday present, an Ikea hotdog from Nizam, a big box of DAIM chocs from Mr Scruffy, 2 tickets to Inglorious Basterds and a snowhite/cinderella purple mug from work.

Tattlermag.com

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:27:13 GMT

I had my first fashion spread shoot with Tattlermag.com almost 2 weeks back with Solange, Shirley and Laura. The theme is "going-green" this September. On the fashion side, they did the whole ' injecting versatility ' looks and I did Fall makeup looks ( still yet to the beauty article ) because I am partly waiting for the edited pics and partly trying to recall my own password.

Tattlermag.com

Solange

Laura Hazlewood

Thanks to Greenpoppies and HappyBurgers.

Barbie Szoke

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:11:55 GMT

Here are some of the pics from the shoot I did with Barbie Szoke a Hungarian model and Terry Chua and Winnie Loo.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:18:28 GMT

Looking at holiday ads makes me sad. Ramadhan all together makes me sad. Or unwilling to be touched by some insatiable joy of bonds. Every holiday is just an excuse to get people together and make memories to me, all except Ramadhan. I wait for the day when it will mean something to me and my family, the one I'll make for myself.

I've came to an agreeable conclusion that in time one of us in this house will end up in an old folks home of some manner. Not my mother of course.

I volunteered myself for night shift on Raya itself. perfect contingency plan. Shall use the " okay, I have to go. I have to work. bye bye " Would not want to stay to hear the rambling conversations of a cousin's wedding, one I'm not willingly sincere enough to partake. Especially when my derrière is being hauled to China in Dec through manipulations and much sceptic. Why would someone need to go to the lengths of physically and humanely to a travel agent's office to top up the baggage limit on my airline ticket ? " they say theres a prawn behind that rock " , I say I'll be fucking damned if I'm being used to help shop for a wedding when my own engagement is on to-be-postponed mode.

The sensitive sensibilities of 'loved ones'. Never mind. I shall be candid. And seething mad when the worst is true and I'm carrying some wedding bedazzles or walking through cramped shopping districts for wedding stuff. Hopefully, after watching my beau go to KL with his friends in Oct, his third batch of off days ( allows him to get out of the country ) being spent not with me yet again ( ~~1st batc~~h went to KL with friends, ~~2nd batch~~ spent first day out of the preplanned 5 day planning together and was stood up on the 2nd day for friends ) but the guilt have been complied with a hanging rope of chance of the fourth batch of off days that involves me and a holiday remark. Now hopefully after watching that, and his dear friend who is a mutual friend getting engaged in November, and getting myself in the thickness of China surrounded by 'i'm such a loser' syndrome, I'll still be surviving when the point will be struck through to the head that , the December holiday with him will be unattainable after all.

I anticipate certain scenarios. No follow up on the "we'll go somewhere together okay " till its too late. Its either he'll forget and blames me for not reminding him and telling me its too late cause it needs planning, that I'm suppose to (plan) or it was a total cheap gimmick again. Or the scenario that he no longer ends up with any available off days. Or they tell him that his last off days were too recent. I put my hand onto thy heart and says, " Me thinks only dreams can push us so far ".

So I reckon, my spirit will be broken by the end of the year, after the tremulous death defying jumps it has taken . See sometimes its just not right to keep making silly promises, especially to someone who sincerely hopes all the time. Its awfully awfully unkind. If salt is to be taken to words, won't it just be sad. So do you still want me to be sincere or cynical?

Still catches me in the throat, just by talking about it. When will you start understanding.

If you don't I I will cut my hair like this

Kana sai

Then you can wait another 4 years so my hair grows long enough to get married but too bad I'll be over 25 by then and I would have slit my wrist and died.

The end.

The Sail at Marina Bay

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 10:35:29 GMT

Here are the pictures from last Thurs shoot with Richard as the photographer. Sprained my back quiet badly on this one while getting into a mini yoga pose to hold the reflector. Male Model, Eric, offered to massage me back and a one-on-one yoga help.. Lubna was great to work with, lady flew off to Scotland to study. Scotland people. Scotland. S.c.o.t.l.a.n.d

and in case you forget how I look like. Thats me.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 09:52:56 GMT

Here are some from the shoot with Lance Lee for Stock Images. Speaking of stock images, I had forgotten all about it for last Sat's tattlermag shoot. Me thinks I am progressing in my creepy crawl towards improving my 'hair' skills. Managed to do a mohawk on one of the models and big stuck-on braid on another. Super excited for the pictures..

Deborah amazingly nice and pleasant to work with

Melissa

YQ still the modest funny guy.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:52:22 GMT

No couple needs to cheat to put a revolver to their relationship.

url re-edited

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:39:57 GMT

I have decided to do myself a favour and get some palettes. ( on my own ) --for my birthday
Previously I had mentioned I wanted one from Sephora.com
But I've decided that the mix reviews + size + delivery charge = too expensive (coming from someone who wants to break fast with maggi mee)

I decided to reward myself with my own hard ( very ) money into getting something inedible for a change.

Bought 2 of these in matte and shimmer (its 88 colours each)

Finally so I can do decent contouring ( 26 shadow/blushers )

Something I should have had a long time ago -- yes, I'm ashamed ( 10 concealors )

Cost me a total of - $135 .. which is considered ( can eat your own fist ) cheap. You give me $135 and I'll come out from a MAC store with 5 eyeshadow pods and some loose change. On that note, it's actually much cheaper online. much much. but because of the delivery charges ( since Im a bit bodoh bout Vpost ) and I need them fast..feels all the same.

During my recent shoot, as I was digging infos about other local models and photographers on MM, the wardrobe stylist asked me a couple of times what made me reply to her and agreeing to work with her for another shoot as her being the model. I felt quite out of my 'element' with the questions. At some point she threw a passing remark " you know you're quite famous on MM ". Being the pessimistic on 'popularity' and 'personality' issues, I'm quite disturbed by the comment. For one, I haven't worked with that many photographers, though I've been blessed so far with getting good to great collaborations ( saying 'alhamdulillah' works ). Secondly, I'm far low on 'friends', its barely 100. Thirdly, I don't talk much.. being the very sincere kind, I don't tag/ comment on other members port blindly just to be on the good side of things with fake, thoughtless sentences. I'm not saying my comments are exclusively lah, aiyoh. I had like .. 30 emails and responses to the casting call i did for tattlermag.com and I emailed them all back. IF they bother to type, so should I.

So now, Im nervous. I dont think Im that good. I seriously dont charge for test shoots since Im getting the polished pictures. and I dont even do hair.. cause i plainly dont know how to.

In anyways, Im working with http://www.paulphotographer.com kinda delirious about it and scared shitless.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:18:52 GMT

Berry crazy

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:49:38 GMT

" ~~yesterday~~ was a good day. I spoke of the calcified facts of my life. and it didn't make me crumple the words. but it did remind me the meaning of saving a life. In my covers, typing this, its easier to say and admit to the lack of intensity, excitement and anticipation at heart. But in the face of a question, " I'd die over it " .

Today was a ~~good~~ day. I spoke of our rifts and it still affects me. Inexplicable. A word I'm indeed not fond of. I lost the pleasure of surprising, creating, foreseeing and the great humour I find in making intricate and delicate gifts both heartfelt and meant to convey something, everything. This whisper some significant amount of doom for passion's sake. The simplest things are rarely simple. Plain conversations, dry banter and sonic kisses. The mention of 'friends' makes a brittle sound in my head. So does the thought of floras. I imagine a hopeful December that will end with disappointed sarcasm. I hate. hate intentionally to your unintended.

I don't know a bigger word than hate.

In reality, I'm slipping away. "

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:04:14 GMT

" Where got ghost " was hilarious. Best local film I've watched. Yah, I don't fancy our local indie films enough. St John Island shoot postponed. means s-u-n-d-a-y free.

Dear captain get I-Banking. I cant tell you enough. Had a nice time, next time don't be noti. You are pushing me to become an abusive partner . (physically). Shall poke your big not huge enough eyes next time.

Posted a casting call, felt bad having to turn some down. Now I have decreased it to 4 chosen models. But its been only 6 hours since I've posted it.. and 4 is too many in the first place. Im too faint hearted.

So chipsmore, if you have time, you wanna do a shoot? hah. for ... stock potatoes. photos. so i can use for articles randomly... yah i feel bad, but lets see who are willing to travel to NTU studio! wahkahakahkah.. this time around, i shall be faster. absolutely faster.