notes on my shackled spine

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 09:49:20 GMT

I've been posting alot of pictures and vids lately because words have been failing me much this month. In the hopes that these videos and cues are taken as representations of the mood weather here.

Pass the point of no return

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 08:16:40 GMT

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 13:18:41 GMT

I am on my way to China to be pressured to buy elusive engagement deco for an engagement that has been cancelled. I am a victim of blackmail and peer pressure from the people that are said to be relatives and mother dearest. i am miserable. This is the last hit from December.

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 03:19:32 GMT

i.m a kiddick

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:35:57 GMT

Im good at ignoring. take me for granted.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:41:47 GMT

chaos is when I have a newly bought xbox360 and an LCD tv in my living room with the game sequel I've been dying to play ( Fable 2) and have yet to even touch it.
Tire is when I sleep 15 hours on the days that I finally have some time for myself.
Burnout is when I can only stomach 1/4 of my favourite nasi lemak and live on cookies, biscuits and prawn crackers.

sigh.if only i can be in cowboy hats and a printed shirt. grow some stache and beard. swing my gun around and announce, " its time to shut up or nut up "

Because though i have no nuts to begin with, thats how i feel about it. time to really nut it up.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:18:40 GMT

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:50:57 GMT

photography by : Stephanie. Hair : Andy Razali. Makeup : Laea Hidayah. Wardrobe styling : Cheryl C. Model : Barbie Szoke

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:38:34 GMT

I need some time apart
To jump start my heart

I'm not driven by anything

I'm waiting for things to fall into place. No fighting. No trying. None left to pursue.
Gracefully responding to this epic silence.
I shall be waiting

for anything to happen.
I'm going to be strong.
I'm trying for absolute.
and I'm not going to call.
I want to feel human. to feel my gender.

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:12:46 GMT

photography.Margareth.Model.Kamila.Makeup/hair.Laea Hidayah

photography.Leon Tan.Model.Kamila.Makeup/Hair.Laea Hidayah

Play not with chances and dice

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 00:00:08 GMT

Tattler has a Flicker. I've come to realise that.

Another thing I've come to realise is that I've found my lack of sleep extraordinary this past month. I have been slogging my bod off through November with certain consequences. I can't smell the flowers or find anytime to for that matter ( a terribly wilted Tiger Lily sits somewhere in this clutter). I have been hard of hearing because me doctor says I am congested. In literal.

Was in a road accident last Sunday. Meant to chart it down but hadn't had the time to get over my grievances. I'm alive, so I reckon that to still be exciting. I was in the midst of travelling with some photographers for a Bridal shoot. Speaking of which, I've decided to accept an offer and will be affiliated to a newly established photography company called Perfect Moment. Everything is new, freelanced and needing of set up and I'm fine with that. Speaking for myself, I'm still an amateur at heart. So I'm easy on expectations. They are taking part in a Bridal show at Expo in January, thus we are rushing on some Bridal pics.

Note to self : coping stress with Red Marls causes detrimental effects to health.

Had a Tattler meeting, a lot of great news ahead. We will be moving on to Flip page format ( like flipping a mag online ) in 2010. We will be looking for new writers and designer soon. We are still at the stage of being passion-driven. I'm the newly appointed Beauty Editor .. or shall we quote> everything related beauty is under you <unquote. Though I know I'm the weakest in writing.

I am writing points to which I feel will seem to show that I might perhaps be coping better than I had expected in midst of this ( what ever I am going through ) Still considering if this is it, or perhaps there will be a redbull crash later on.

Having December Denied From Me

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 21:03:58 GMT

Everyday. Everyday as I get closer to December. I get this inch of misery and depressed notions. This inch, ignored on some days, builds up to just a little more than just inches. more than just a little piece of sadness quenched by work, tire and sleep.

Having promised intentions denied from me, hurts terribly more than I had believed it to be. And its terrible. The feeling is just indescribably terrible that it amounts to fluctuations of feelings for the day. I thought, I really did thought that by going out with you and spending time with you could make me forget and make me palpable to forgiving. But it doesn't. It just doesn't. I think I was really pained by your actions. I wished that knowing it has already happened and it had been quite some time ago since the start of these series of events would make it easier to forgive and get over. But it hasn't. I still remember every detail, every point of hurt and disappointment. I feel disgusting that I'm not as patient, as forgiving and humble as I had wanted to be. And I do not use the term 'disgusting' often.

I cleaned a small corner of my room today. I found a notebook with a cover about travelling to Paris, solely used for the planning and notes on the trip to Krabi. How I used to beg for you to not just not speak of any promises that you won't keep. 3 times. You did it to me 3 times. And that was only about this elusive 'holiday'. I read it. It was filled with numbers, tour agencies contacts, numerical figures, hotel names, hotel numbers, emails, day to day planning and schedule, airline information, flight number, flight timing. I remember scouring through a hundred sites of everything. Scouring through newspapers with so much.. glee, laughter, hopes, intentions and dreamy dazing.

If this scene was pictorial. I imagine myself as a donkey with a hanging, dusty and dirty carrot left right in front of me but never within reach. I imagine myself as a little girl with 2 ponytails and you stomping on my favourite doll. If I was gutsy enough to be crude and too unforgiving, I imagine myself just saying ' fuck you '. But I'm not. I'm just pained and sad.

I wish. I really do wish with the whole of my heart contents. That you be out with your friends and go to as many getaways as you can possibly fit in your schedule. That you meet your friends everyday, every fucking day. So that when If i return to you, you can touch on some value meter indicating friend exposure and feel that the bar is fully filled. So you won't just won't keep stomping my heart wearing those shoes. Because fuck you. for making my friends hate me, for making your friends be wronged by me, and me be wronged by your unknowing friends, for making people think that you are perfect and that if there is anything wrong it has to be me, for making me be misunderstood, for making me seem ungrateful and impatient. fuck you. I don't need a holiday. I just need the gift of your words.

and even if your words might not mean shit right now because you are so so afraid of really losing me. Did it really had to end up this way before you mean what you say. Did it?

Fucking notebook. Fucking 'friends'

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:55:57 GMT

The lights came on fast
Lost in motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
but you knew all along
You laugh the light
I sing the songs
to watch you numb

I saw you there
you were on your way
you held the rain
and for the first time
heaven seemed insane
cause heaven is to blame
for taking you away

do you know the way that I can?
do you know the way that I can't lose?
do you know the things that I can?
do you know the things that I can do?

where is your heart? where is your heart gone to?
tear me apart
tear me apart from you
you laugh the light I cry the wound
in gray afternoons

I saw you there

You were on your way
You held the rain
And for the first time
Heaven seemed insane
Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away

The lights came to pass
Dead opera motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
In nitrous overcast

Do you know the way that I can?
Do you know the way that I can't choose?
Do you know the things that I can?
Do you know the things that I can't lose?

Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

because im stupid

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:55:53 GMT

this gift of words, to heart. to heart.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:39:22 GMT

this is how it feels like

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:13:51 GMT

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:53:47 GMT

The last 3 weeks, I've been working almost everyday.Finally, I have succumbed under the exhaustion and tire from having to think, argue and wash my brains every few days. The migraine sickness has morphed into flu.

Thank you Feng Ling

Female photographers

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:41:20 GMT

I'm hooked. On working with female photographers. They are sooooooo organised. So these are some of the pics from a paid shoot I did with Margareth. I worked on the template she gave for the makeup and I really enjoyed the whole thing..

in case anyone forgets how I look like

This is a preview of another shoot I did with Stephanie Goh.

behind the scene

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:22:17 GMT

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:06:05 GMT

Being single, events that challenges your emotional tranquil pops up like mushrooms. And there is always that big fat blue and purple Cheshire cat looking at you, representing the vagaries of human character.

giving me a reason to stay.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:43:09 GMT

As soon as you sound like him,
give me a call.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:58:45 GMT

Sometimes the things I do to myself. It makes me feel like I should kill myself sooner rather than later.

Raoul with Zoe Tay and Tattlermag

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:33:40 GMT

I've never had so much laugh since FML

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:32:55 GMT

Pictures and captions brought to you by photoshopdisasters

The best site to laugh together with right now, for me.

"

"shrink to fit "

" Final draft:
As a busy student, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as 3pm. With online banking and ATMs everywhere, it's all up to me.

Original draft:
As a regular LSD user with rubber spikes for arms, I'm as likely to bank at 3am as find the secret meaning behind these hammers of meat. With little spiders and skeletons everywhere, it's all up to the giant talking wasp in the bathroom."

" Either this is the most impossibly long-legged contortionist model in the history of collateral artwork, or there are really two women here cavorting around, all naked and covered in product. Which means it isn't a PsD, but shame on you, Garnier. "

"Memo to Gianfranco Ferre: Has your Art Director ever even seen a naked man?"

"It's a pretty good deal; you get a haircut, a mani-pedi, and an exorcism."

-- this picture superly reminds me of this --->

I like it blunt, bitch

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:32:07 GMT

I vowed to myself to cut off my curls when it starts to wriggle loose and irritably incapable of being either scrunched back into shape or styled.

After one year and surviving better than had expected, I snipped the curls off. It was worth my $320 splurge ( wash + blow + cut + pre-perm treatment + perming + Kerastine hair care ) from Reds, because I had it re permed two days after because it wasn't the kind of perm I had wanted. It lasted for a year and Ive seen worst aftermaths of perming , some within 2-6 months after curling. There are few things I splurge in life = Tailored Hari Raya clothes that can cost $200 - $450 each, Annual Nine west heels ( though I hadn't bought one for this year. ), and hair cuts. Simply because I go by years not having any trimming or walking into a salon. So in theory, Ive been saving up for it whaaat.

So in some madness, I chopped of my own hair, sitting on a luggage infront of the mirror. No, it does not represent any of my creative worth. I simply only followed my hair lengths and blunt cut out where the dryness of damaged hair begins. yes. I only made sure that the bottom back length is somewhat balanced lah. So because it was curled, and 150% because for the crazy women from Hair mechanics, my hair is a messy mess of tapered down strands and layered to tip hair. ( 6 months after Reds I followed Lisa for a trim at hair mechanics and i got the simply rude women whom literally scratched my scalp and yanked my head around for 20 mins, turning a trimming session to her feathering down my hair taking 30% off of my newly curled hair from the top of my head. presumely to give me a sexy volume near the jaw. but radically rude, because she hadnt asked first and had wasted my hair lengths and curls. )

so now, i have many many layers of un-uniforms layering by the weird blade or scissors they used.

saving the sob story for last, about the gay bastard.

in my 22 yrs of life, i only met a really nice and good and polite hairdresser at the age of 15, whom did not fill me with 80s stupid 'tips' about hair and wasnt condescending in my lack of knowledge and my wanting of understanding.. i never got to meet her again. Tony and Guy played a cruel joked out of me, one that was painful and shared in laughter between 2 stylist. Reds gave me a " if she comes back again, I prolly should quit as a hair stylist" remark " sarcastic at its best. Hair mechanics shows no respect for the human head. and all the rest just DONT UNDERSTAND THAT I DO NOT WANT A TYPICAL AH LIAN , FLAT FUCK HAIR, OR THINNED TO THE ENDS BUT BOB AND DISTURBING JAPANESE HAIRCUTS. Listen for the love of god, shit listen to " i dont want it short- dont want it too thinned, i want it weighty and blunt " blunt lah babi.

eh bodoh, you think the cute jap girls with terrific hair in the manuals dont go through alot of wax, mousse, hairspray and styling to make the look good? obviously in real life the hair is thinned out crazy . macam sotong you know. Put octopus on your head, there you have a bob aka i am sexy volumed crown and tendrils all around. and if i dont judge you for being cross dressingly gay, dont treat me less than a customer.

Ive never ever called anybody ugly or go out of a salon with lopsided hair till today.

" Sis, who was the hairdresser, which one?"
" I dont know they all look like a bunch of fat ugly bitches to me "

I cut my hair today. had just one tuft that needed to be blended in with a nifty pair of scissors that i dont own. Paid to just have that tuft blended. it was so gross. i came out halfway, politely mind you! and am changing my parting.

dah habis cerite. penat.